


Width of a Circle

by zillah37 (visionshadows)



Series: Oranges and Vanilla [5]
Category: David Bowie (Musician), NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-05 01:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/717186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/visionshadows/pseuds/zillah37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The epilogue. JC's POV for the only time in this series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Width of a Circle

It was cold when JC stepped out of the shower. He grabbed a towel, scrubbing his long hair with it before wrapping it around his still-dripping body. He padded back into the bedroom where Joey was still fast asleep in their bed.

"Joe," JC leaned over, shaking him gently. "It's time to get up."

Joey mumbled in his sleep and batted half-heartedly at JC's hand before snoring again. JC just rolled his eyes and walked over to the closet to get dressed. It always took about three or four tries to actually wake up Joey.

It was still early and he had to do some work before they even got ready to go to the funeral. If he didn't do something until then he would probably go crazy anyway. Their house was empty besides himself, Joey, and the dog. Brianna had been staying with Alexandria since her father had died two days ago.

Both JC and Joey let her without a second thought. Joey because he understood that Alex needed her best friend and JC because he didn't want Brianna to see how broken up he was about David's death.

JC pulled on a pair of worn jeans and a sweater, one that he had stolen years before from David one cold night in Switzerland. The studio was calling to him but he didn't want to get lost in there, not today. He shook Joey once more and got a low groan but he rolled over this time which meant he was starting to wake himself up.

The downstairs was quiet and cold. He shivered as he turned up the heat and headed into the kitchen to make coffee.

Joey would always wake up to the smell of coffee. JC knew that after all these years together, knew everything about Joey.

He stood in front of the coffeemaker, watching it percolate. Years before he had done the same thing with David, made coffee in the morning to wake him up. He could even remember what he took in his coffee; three sugars and two creamers.

Of course he knew that David wasn't allowed to drink coffee anymore. His doctor had put him on a restricted diet that included zero caffeine. He hoped that he would never have to give up caffeine when he was old.

JC closed his eyes, pressing his fingertips against the counter to feel the pain. In his lifetime, he had loved two people. Today he had to bury one of them.

JC didn't even wait for the coffee to finish. He turned and left the room, heading for the small gym they had in the basement. He needed to punch something.

 

 

JC was stretched out on the ground, breathing heavily, staring at the ceiling. He'd worked out his anger and now he had passed onto exhaustion again. Nothing had really changed from earlier except he wanted his coffee even more now.

"Any better?"

JC turned his head towards the voice and saw Joey standing in the doorway in a bathrobe holding two mugs of coffee. He sat up slowly, his muscles burning.

"Not really."

With a sad smile, Joey walked over to join him, sitting down on the mat next to him and handing him a mug. JC took it gratefully, sipping slowly. The coffee was hot and it burned his tongue, reminding him that he was still alive.

"Do you want to talk yet?" Joey put an arm behind JC, leaning back on it. JC rested against him, shaking his head.

"Not yet. I'm not ready."

Joey just nodded again and turned to kiss JC's temple lightly. "When you are, I'll be here."

JC just sniffed in response, staring at his coffee mug. He drank his coffee black. Joey drank his with sugar, lots of sugar. He hated creamer though. Chris drank it with lots of cream and sugar. He wondered if Chris still drank his coffee that way. Justin and Lance didn't drink coffee. David drank his with three sugars and two creams.

JC knew that he wouldn't forget that for some reason.

Joey was rubbing his back and drinking his coffee silently, watching their reflection in the mirrors. Once, when Brianna had been at Alex's, they had sex down here just to see what it was like to screw surrounded by mirrors. JC didn't really like it, didn't want to watch himself have sex. He said it made him feel weird.

JC had no shame about his nakedness, especially when he was younger. He remembered wandering around his house, or Joey's house, or David's house completely naked. He remembered one time he had made grilled cheese for David in the buff. David had teased him about getting oil on his bare skin.

They had made love on the kitchen table that day, fingers slippery with the grease of the sandwiches.

He didn't like remembering.

"What time is it?" JC finally asked, his voice hoarse.

"8:30," Joey said quietly. "We have about an hour before we have to start getting ready. We told Iman we would be at the house at 10:30."

JC nodded, sniffling again. "I wish today was over."

"I know, baby," Joey hugged him close, resting his head against JC's. "I wish it were too."

JC sniffled and drank more coffee.

 

 

"Here," Joey said gently, turning JC around and tying his tie for him. "There you go." He patted JC's sides lightly.

"Thanks." JC turned back to the mirror, looking at himself in his dark suit with his hair tied back in a tight ponytail. Joey had did that earlier. He tilted his head slightly, the JC in the mirror doing the same thing.

Joey walked away, going into the bathroom to finish getting himself ready. JC kept staring at his reflection.

JC closed his eyes when he felt arms wrap around him. A head rested against his shoulder and JC smiled softly, feeling a ghost of a kiss on his neck.

"I love you."

JC tried to turn towards the voice but when he opened his eyes, it was gone and he sighed softly, closing his eyes again.

He didn't want to pretend that David was still there, still part of his life.

Joey came out of the bathroom and JC smiled at him softly. Joey was his life now and had been for years. This was the way it should be.

 

 

JC's arms ached as he carried the casket alongside David's son, Trent Reznor, and other various family members. He tried not to think about the fact that David was inside the casket instead of outside with them.

Instead he concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. The sun was shining and he wished that he had sunglasses. He kept his head down, just following Trent's feet in front of him.

Trent's pant legs were a little too long, dragging in the dirt. JC watched them intently as he lifted each foot. There was powdery dirt on the cuffs and JC wanted to brush it off but he didn't dare stop, didn't dare tell Trent either.

Trent scared him.

Trent was angry. JC had seen him yesterday when Iman had all the pallbearers over, asking if they would be willing to carry the casket.

Trent had shouted and thrown things. No one moved to stop him and Iman just sat very still, letting him scream. Trent hadn't made it to the hospital before David died, being held up in the studio.

JC thought Trent needed closure.

JC didn't dare tell Trent that.

JC thought he needed closure himself but he didn't dare tell Joey that.

They stopped, surprising JC in the suddenness. He looked up and realized that they were at the grave plot. The ground was dug out, a dark swatch in the green. He looked at it for a long time before stepping back.

A hand touched the small of his back and he looked up at Joey sadly. Joey just moved closer, shadowing JC's body with his own.

JC was so glad that Joey was there.

 

 

JC sipped at the wine in his glass, the bitterness of it making him wince. He kept drinking it though, the bitterness seeping into his tongue. It made him feel good.

The room was full of people milling around. Alexandria and Brianna had disappeared a while before but Joey was watching them out back. They were in the backyard, sitting among the flowers that David took care of religiously.

JC remembered gardening with David, lying out back in the sun in just shorts and a floppy hat. David would kiss him and make lemonade. They would sit in the sun, sweating in silence until they couldn't take anymore.

The air conditioning always felt amazing on their naked skin afterwards.

JC stared at the couch in the dining room. It was a different couch but years before there had been a long, soft couch in pale yellow in the same place. He'd fallen asleep on that couch numerous times.

David had given him the key to the house in New York and JC had stayed there alone before, every time they were in New York actually.

"Josh?" A soft hand touched his shoulder and JC turned towards Joey, looking at him silently. "I just wanted to see if you're okay. You've been staring at the couch for about ten minutes."

"Oh," JC shook his head a little, taking another drink of the wine, wincing at the bitterness. "I didn't realize. I should…how're the girls?"

"They're okay," Joey rubbed the small of his back again. He loved it when people did that. David had learned that early on. One touch, one firm press and JC would yield, pushing back against the hand that kept him comfortable. Nothing felt as wonderful to him when he was tired or stressed. "Josh? Do you want to eat anything?"

"No," said JC softly, shaking his head. "I should probably talk to people. I don't know. Or maybe help in the kitchen. I should do something."

Joey reached for his hand, wrapping it around the clenched fist. He didn't try and unclench it, just held the fist.

"You are doing something," he said gently. "You're here."

JC opened his mouth to protest but looked around again. There wasn't anyone he needed to talk to and Iman had it catered because she didn't have the energy to deal with food on top of everything else. She had disappeared anyway, going up to the bedroom alone.

"I'm glad you're here," JC said, his voice sounding old and strained to his own ears. "I'm so glad you're here."

"No place I'd rather be," Joey reached up and pushed back a strand of hair that had come loose from the ponytail. His hand rested on the side of JC's head. "I'm not going anywhere."

JC nodded a little, ducking his head. He didn't want to cry again.

He sipped the wine and winced.

 

 

"I'm going to make dinner," said Joey, shutting the front door behind them. "I left some chicken defrosting earlier."

JC nodded, loosening his tie and heading into the living room. He dropped his jacket on the sofa and sat down on the ground in front of the entertainment center with the shelves of albums. He flipped through them until he found the record he was looking for.

Carefully handling the old record, he put it on the turntable, letting the arm drop. The first strains of Five Years began and JC dropped his head, listening to David sing. His voice had changed, matured over the years and JC barely recognized him singing on this sometimes. He always heard the rich tenor that David had developed over the years, not the reedy warble of his youth.

"Still one of his greatest albums," Joey said softly, sitting behind JC, settling him in the vee of his legs.

"I debated the value of this album with him once," JC said quietly, leaning back against Joey and thinking back to that and how both of them had gotten so angry and refused to talk for the rest of the night but had given up rather quickly, having wild sex instead. "I think he won."

"He did write it," Joey said, wrapping his arms around JC as the song changed to Soul Love. "I think he may have had a little bit of an advantage over you."

"I had sex with him after we were married."

Joey nodded a little, kissing the top of JC's head. "I know you did. I understood then and I still understand. You loved him."

JC sighed miserably. "It wasn't about love."

"Then what was it about?" asked Joey gently. If JC was ready to talk about it, he was more than ready to listen.

"It was about proving to him that I wanted him around," JC closed his eyes, the only sound David's voice for a long time. "He didn't think that I really wanted him to produce for me."

"So you slept with him to prove that you did?" Joey tried to keep the tone of his voice even and not judgmental.

"I really fucked that up," JC admitted softly. "We weren't all that close before it happened but at least we could be in the same room together alone. Not after that. You know that I haven't been alone with David in about two years."

Joey sighed softly and hugged JC close. "We all make mistakes with the people that we love. Look at us."

"I cheated on him with you and then I cheated on you with him," JC shook his head. "I used to wonder what it would have been like to stay with him."

Joey licked his lips and just nodded. He knew how much JC had missed David over the years, how much he still thought back to their relationship and the time they had spent together.

"I didn't end the relationship because I didn't love him or anything. I ended the relationship because he was married," JC closed his eyes. "Sometimes I couldn't believe that it even happened, that I had really fallen in love with David Bowie and he had fallen in love with me."

Joey stroked his hair, listening to Starman and JC's soft voice.

"It was ten months that changed me forever," JC lifted his head and looked at Joey. "I don't think I would be who I am today without him. He believed in me so much, Joey. He never told me that I couldn't be a writer, that I couldn't be a rock star in my own right."

"I know it wasn't the same when I said it," Joey said quietly. He had always known that no matter how much he encouraged JC it never meant the same thing as when David did it. "He was a rock star. I was your best friend and at the same level as you."

"It was just different," JC said weakly. "I still can't believe that he thought I was any good." He leaned back against Joey again. "I was worth his time. That still blows my mind."

"You're fantastic," said Joey, kissing JC's forehead. "He'd have been crazy to dismiss you. Fuck, the two of you won a Grammy together. I think Justin's still pissed at that."

JC chuckled and nodded. "That was a great song."

Joey smiled, glad to see that JC was smiling again. "You know that it's better to remember all the good things about someone instead of what you regret."

"I remember stupid things," admitted JC. "Like how he took his coffee and that the inside of his wrist always tasted like vanilla. I remember that he liked to sleep naked with a hand on my stomach. Once," he actually started to laugh. "He told me that I reminded him of a pet because I would just curl around him and when I slept, I always moved in my sleep."

"You still move in your sleep and cling," Joey smiled. They'd never really talked about what had happened between JC and David even after all these years. "I think you always will. You just like being touched."

"He was really beautiful," said JC quietly. "Like inside and out. He had this glow about him that just made him a joy to watch. He would joke and tease and laugh along with you."

JC stopped talking, curling closer to Joey and hugging one arm to him. "I always knew that we didn't really have a future. We were just too different and our lives were just too separate. No matter how much we loved each other we couldn't get past that."

"You were good together," said Joey. "We all knew that even though we didn't really understand it. He made you smile like no one else and the music you made when you were with him," Joey shook his head. "It was just amazing, Josh."

"I'm glad it happened." JC said firmly. "I won't apologize for it. Ever."

Joey just smiled gently. "Don't ever apologize for loving him. I'm glad it happened too. In my eyes, he brought you back to me. He was exactly what you needed at the time, exactly what I couldn't give you."

"He was," JC agreed. "Thank you."

Joey looked at him, surprised. "What are you thanking me for?"

"For understanding," JC hugged him tightly.

Joey rubbed his back gently and ducked his head onto JC's shoulder. "I always will."

"You were supposed to meet me for dinner."

I turned around and saw Bono standing there with his arms crossed and a sour look on his face. Oops. I really was supposed to meet him for dinner.

"Fuck off," I said, waving my hand at him. "They're being adorable."

Bono sat down next to me and looked at Joey and JC hugging. "They're always being adorable. I blew off dinner with Beethoven for you."

"Oh you hate eating dinner with Beethoven," I rolled my eyes. "All he does is yell and he never hears a word you say."

"You owe me dinner," said Bono petulantly. "And I'm not leaving until you say you're going to get me dinner."

"All right, all right," I sighed and looked over at JC and Joey again. "Just give me a minute alone with them."

Bono rolled his eyes and slipped his sunglasses back on. "I'm waiting outside."

I leaned over and kissed him lightly. "You're a wanker."

Bono nodded and kissed me back. "I love you too."

He disappeared and I stood up, walking over to where JC and Joey were. I kneeled next to them and ghosted my hand over JC's hair, leaning in and kissing him on the forehead. His eyelashes fluttered against his cheek.

"Love you," I murmured softly before leaning close to Joey's ear, even though they couldn't hear me. "Take care of him for me."

As I straightened up to leave, I could swear that Joey nodded.

I smiled as I snapped my fingers, moving outside with Bono who was leaning against the front door grinning at me.

"I'll buy you Mexican," I said to him, taking his hand.

"But I don't want Mexican, David. Buy me steak instead." Bono was still smiling, just being a pain because he could.

I rolled my eyes. "You are such a horrid meat-eater."

"I am," Bono said proudly, squeezing my hand. "Let's go."

I shook my head and walked down the street with him, listening as he chattered away about the day he spent talking philosophy with Aristotle again and playing craps with Gandhi. As always he claimed that Gandhi cheated but it was really just that Bono stunk at craps and always had even when he was alive.

It was nice that some things never changed.


End file.
